And it ends…
Not with a Bang, but with a Whimper…
What a year this has been. We have all had more than our fair share of trials and tribulations. Of Joyous and Loving Moments, as well.
So then why the whimper?
Because alas, some things do not change.
I grow older, but not wiser.
My skin softer, looser, but not my trials.
My hair lighter, due to the grey, but not my burdens.
Seems a bit melodramatic, que no?
But this is my whimper. In 2 days I will be talking to their Dad. I know already what he will say. But still, that hope is always there. Always.
You see, I have discovered something about myself, which I knew from before, I just never fully accepted it until this year…
I keep busy to not think. I keep busy to not feel. I keep busy to not confront, face or deal with things.
Hence, so many posts these past 2 days!
But I can put off no longer! I am drowning in anxiety! My little Angel has asked me to speak to his Dad on his behalf. AGAIN…
You see for the past many years, every time my Little Angel comes to see me on break, he never wants to leave.
Totally Understandable, right? I am His Mother for Heaven’s Sake! Knowing this, you would think their Father would allow him to stay, NO!
Never!
And yet again, he has asked me to talk to his Dad.
Why don’t I just pursue this Legally?
As I have put forth before, they, My Babies, have asked me not to do so.
Besides, I would Never want them to have to be faced with going to court and living a Custody Trial. I’d rather cry myself to sleep every night instead of doing that to them!
I’ll be honest though, I want to. I want to do it so badly! I’ve gone as far as doing tons of research and I know I can represent myself, which I did for the divorce as well. And between us, I didn’t do too bad.
Besides, I can’t stand Family Lawyers! The Hell that they have put me through! Via my Ex, of course. But honestly, when you know a person’s way of expressing themselves, and you receive an affidavit typed up by the lawyer in a tone completely different and unfamiliar, you know who embellished it!
And, I can’t help but laugh, the last time I received a notice to appear in court from his attorney, I got into it with the attorney. I asked her how she could sleep at night knowing what she did? I asked her how she could live with herself knowing that she was filling lives, innocent lives, with venom? Oh I had a Field Day until she said that she refused to be spoken to like that, and my response was, “and yet you send me worse?” to which I heard a click and dead air.
Whatever!
But going back to the 2nd. I ask you, the person reading this, please Pray that this time it’s different!
Please Pray that his Dad, says, you know what, you’re right. He misses you and he should be able to spend some time with you. When can you come pick him up?
Okay, so I know it won’t be that easy, but a YES! A Yes, that I can have at least ONE of My Babies with me!!
I know I have lost the other two…
My Mom tells me that my eldest will realize many, many things one day…
I’m so not holding my breath…
As for my Middle Child, he has a Girlfriend, so that’s that! And what’s more, he and his sister have gotten closer and she is filled with resentment, thus…he is more withdrawn than before…
I have lost them both…
And my Cowardice, my Pride, my Stupidity are to blame!
If only one could go back…there are so many things I would do differently…
Wouldn’t we all?
Do you know that every time I hear my daughter say her Parents this or her Parents that, I feel a dagger pierce my heart? But I don’t say it.
The way I see it, her, now Step-Mom, has been there more than I have, at least in her eyes, and I cannot compete with that.
It’s like when she tells me that her Grandparents raised her! Wow! I just laugh.
And then her Dad apologizes to them, My Babies, for not having chosen a better Mother for them!
When she told me this, I was beside myself! I asked her if she realized the implications behind such a statement? Her response was, “Don’t you dare talk bad about my Papi!”
I am glad that She Loves him. I wish I would have had a Daddy to Love.
But, yes, there’s a but…But what about me?
I get yelled at. Berated. Disrespected. Humiliated. Shunned. Alienated. You name it…
I still recall with agony in my heart the day she told me, the day of her Graduation, the day I was there…We had driven all the way there with my two youngest brats, over 48 hours to be there, at her and my Middle Child’s Graduation…
We were at my Son’s Graduation when she starts yelling at me in front of complete strangers!
And I stood there and took it…I had to…I Love Her….I wanted to be there…It was so bad, so humiliating that her now Step-Mom was the one to tell me where to go for my Daughter’s Graduation…for she was only yelling and berating me…only to have her call me minutes later to tell me to pack up my stuff and leave…
So no, I did not attend my Daughter’s Graduation for she uninvited me…
My relationship with my daughter has been very much, negative attention is better than no attention.
I fear that if I reprimand, chastise or talk too sternly towards her, she’ll just hang up as she has done in the past. And this year, with her Dad’s Blessing, she berated me, yelled at me and insulted me…at the foot of their door, in their home, whilst they had a Priest and friends over for lunch…
Yeah, it’s been one Helluva Year….
And now I’m kicking off the next one with a Phone Call…
I Beg you, Lord. Please let this year start different…Please, if anyone can change his heart it is you…
Hence, I ask you, the reader, Please, please…Please, Pray for us…
That if it be God’s Will that I have my Little Angel, that his Dad let me go and pick him up.
And, that if it NOT be His Will, then that I may have the resignation to accept it…
I’ll keep you posted…
Oh, and there will be a whole new can of worms that I will be opening in the New Year…I have a feeling I am not the only one dealing with Immaturity, Selfishness and Evil Fits of Anger at home…
God Love You All…
From The Pews 