For My Little Angel…

Mi Angelito…

I don’t know what transpired from Tuesday Night that we spoke to tonight…

It is obviously something that has burdened you.  It is obviously something that has so much influence in your tender 10 years of life that it could make you step back and push me away…

If only you knew how much pain I am in…

If only you could see that I am NOT strong…

If only things could be different….

If only God has softened and opened up your Dad’s heart…

If only…

Your words, your response tonight have left a life-hemorrhaging, deep and open  wound in my Heart and Soul…

“No, Mami, just don’t.  Stop! Don’t do anything!” Asking me to back off.  Telling me that you feel pressured and that you need more time to evaluate this decision.  That you need to think about it more…

Baby, You’ve been wanting be with me for YEARS now! Each time I have collided with the same wall and the gore of each encounter…

This time I was determined it would be different!

I called your Dad almost every day!  He of course wouldn’t answer, but I would leave a message.  The first ones were rather neutral.

“Call me, please when you get a chance.  We need to talk about Our Little Angel.”

But Tuesday’s message…that one was more explicit.

“I guess you’ve been real busy as you have not called me back for the past 2 weeks.  We really need to talk.  He wants to come live with me.  Your only reason for him not coming is because you do not want him to!  What about what he wants?  Doesn’t what he wants matter to you?  He misses me.  He misses his Mom.  Please do not deprive him of this.  Call me.  Something needs to happen.”

I guess that message showed him that I was not going to give up this time.

In 2008 I stopped.  I gave up on fighting because Ticki asked me to back off.  He said that your Dad told him that if he left, he would die.

I told Ticki that your Dad would not die.  That he would be sad and grief-stricken as I have been, but that he would not die.

Your Brother asked me if I could guarantee that.  Of course I could not.  But I did clarify that if were to pass it would not be because Ticki left.  That it would simply be a matter of coincidence.  And besides, what about me?  Do I not hurt?  Do I not feel?  Do I not Miss You?

Your Brother’s response, “But you’re strong, Mommy.”

Baby, I am NOT Strong!  I am but flesh and bones.  I am a mere human that is fragile as any other creature on this planet, which I will admit, at this moment feels like a God-Forsaken Planet!

I KNOW He has not forsaken me.  But I also Know that He has the Power to change your Dad’s heart.  And for whatever reason, my mind is miniscule and lacks any possibility of ever understanding His will, He has decided not to do this…

I KNOW that your Father has freedom of choice.

But I also know that God can open his heart…I also know that God loves His Children and wishes for them to not suffer…and I know that in the Grander Scheme of things, this, this that I feel that I have endured for years now is NOTHING compared to others’ sufferings.  I know this.

But what about your and your siblings’ suffering?  If we unite our sufferings, can they not count for something?  Especially yours?

All you have asked is to be with me.  It has been denied time and again.

Last Summer you were to come out and spend a few weeks with me.  When I was there to bring you back, you were crying and could not look at me to tell me those horrid painful words, “I don’t want to go with you.”

I was grief-stricken.  I was LIVID!  How dare he!!

I told him as much, to which he just laughed.

I know that one day, I hope that one day you and your siblings will realize what he has done.

I Pray that I am still well enough, young enough, and have my wits about me to enjoy you all….to one day be able to be surrounded by My Beautiful Babies…

That day is what continues to give me hope…that is the day that keeps me holding on…

Even at this moment when all I want to do is shrivel up and die…

The pain in my chest is unbearable…Once again my heart has been clawed from my chest…Once again I sit here in this dark, desolate place…

I have been a coward.  I have taken more abuse from your Father than he will ever admit to…I have taken more abuse than I care to admit to…

I had determined to not give up…

I do not want to…but as we spoke tonight and I told you not to lose Hope that soon we would be together and your response was that you needed time. That you did not want to make a rash decision…I re-lived Ticki all over again…

And as you raised your voice to repeat over and over to Stop! To back off…to just don’t do anything.  Just don’t contact anyone….I was filled with Impotent Anger!  He did it again!

But this time…this time I am going to see if I can contact an Attorney and see what I can do from here…

I cannot do this alone.  I thought I could.

I cannot.

I need a Barracuda like the ones your Dad has hired.  I need one to fight for me instead of against me as has been the case.

I will not be fighting to get you back.  I will not pressure you as others have…

I only wish for this man…and I use that term loosely…I wish for him to be told by someone other than me that he is doing wrong.  That he is Hurting the Children Beyond his meager comprehension!

That all the Emotional Blackmail has and IS continuing to scar My Babies!!!

I will not fight him for My Babies.  I just want him to suffer…Un-Catholic of me, I know, but I do!  I want him to suffer the pain of the realization of what he does, has done and continues to do!

I want him to be Humiliated by his Actions!

I know! I know!  I should not want that…but I am filled with such a Painful Rage right now…

Forgive me My Little Angel…I lost sight, I forgot that I was writing to you…

I Love You.

I just wish that you possessed the same strength to tell him and them that you Miss Me and want to BE with me, as you have to tell me to back off…

You and your Sister…I will bear these scars the rest of my days…

Something’s gotta give….

 

 

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