I know we are to let go of the past.
Ideally, we are to live the Present and Revel in the Gift of a New Day!
I try. It’s hard though! At least it is for me when I am haunted at every turn by the HUGE Mistakes I have made and not having a way to fix them…
This past weekend was not an easy one. It was doused with Beauty, from Father Mario’s Beautifully Moving Homily to enjoying a quiet night at home watching “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” with my Little Brats, my Other Half, Lolo and Lola.
But…and there almost always seems to be a BUT in my life…ok, that made me laugh as I visualized a BUTT in my life!
Seriously though, I must really love my Bestest Buddy Misery because she almost always hangs out with me even when I have completely forgotten all about her and try to ignore her. But she is one persistent Pal!
This morning, I was asked if I enjoyed the extra hour of sleep, as the clocks Fell back one hour over the weekend. My response was, “Ha! I Wish! I only slept when I was Young and Single!”
The next question is what got me mulling over my Mistakes yet again…
“Was this between husbands?”
The question is innocent enough. The problem is how my mind works.
I immediately went back to that time and thought about how I had school and work. How I had no time for anything, much less sleep. How I got an average of 2-3 hours of sleep on a daily basis. How I was – despite my Eldest’s disdain – a Single Mom. How I tried my Damnedest to spend at least 3 days a week with my kids, accomplishing every so often to make it as many as 5 days. How after the place where I lived got broken-in to and I had to return back to the good ole’ SFV. How I chastised my Babies, my Beautiful Babies in a Gas Station Parking Lot because I could not drive anymore…
I had to pull into the Station to sleep for a minute, because I was risking Crashing and Killing them in an accident! It was an hour and a half drive each way every weekend, then every other weekend…
But that day, the day I chastised my Babies for a Situation which was My Own Doing, I still remember the look on my Little Anget’s Face….
For those of you that have the misfortune of knowing me, you know that this post is taking forever to write because, yes, estoy chillando entre un recuerdo y otro. How can I not, it’s still overwhelming…
I was on the 210…I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t drive. My eyes were so heavy, so grainy. My head weighed a ton. Then came a moment when I dozed off for a second, I hope that it was for a second! Thank God nothing happened.
When I realized that I had dozed off, I knew I had to get off the road! I was liable to kill my Babies! I didn’t care about myself. Obviously. I had no care in my own person, not at that time. I was trying to be too many things at once and failing at them all…maybe kind of like I am now…
But I digress…
I knew I had to pull off the road and I exited immediately and pulled into a gas station. Parked and told the kids that I had to sleep for a bit.
They were kids. They couldn’t just sit quietly. I know that. But for some selfish reason, at that moment I wanted them to be still. I started falling asleep and they giggled.
I ignored it. Then the giggling turned into games and laughing.
I was Furious! I turned to my boys and in a loud, obnoxious tone asked if it was so hard for them to let me sleep for just a few minutes. That I was tired. That I hadn’t slept for days. That All I was asking was for a few minutes of sleep. Could they not give me that!
I was so entitled. So pathetic….
God Forgive me…
I Pray that One day, My Babies can forgive me…
I Pray that One day, I can honestly sit with them and speak openly about this period. I have tried a few times. I have touched upon a few things, but my Ticki never lets me finish…he always hugs me and tells me that I am the Best Mommy ever and that he Loves Me.
THAT makes me feel WORST!
Anget, well, I feel he’s still too young, though I always open the door for him to ask anything. And I bring things up and ask him if he understands. Again though, I don’t want to overwhelm him, he’s a Baby to me.
My Pumpkin Princess, well, I am nothing short of the Wicked Witch of the West in her eyes…And Rightfully so, for the most part…but even then, this Witch has feelings too….
Your children will grow and have their own children and they will do what they swore up and down they would not do. Then as they turn to the mirror it may be accompanied by a call to you with an apology for buying into the societal view that parents need to be perfect and for dishin’ what you did and didn’t do as their mom. Parenting is an exercise in humility, not in control – especially control of ourselves. We see more of the beast in ourselves as parents than just about any other aspect of our lives. So much easier to walk away from a spouse when angry than a child.
Just for a moment, jump ahead in time. Your daughter will one day have your same guilt. Your son’s will day have regrets. What then will you say? Join them in woe, remind them how though our Lord died for those sins we must wear them around us as chains for eternity? Till the task is accomplished, expect to see the same test over and over again – yes we will continue to miss the mark till we get it right. There is a difference in repeating the same test and scruples, one you need to research. Do yourself a favour and write on scruples, write on what single line prayers we are to have at the ready when it comes a callin’. If not for yourself, but so you have it at the ready for your children…
I’m on it.
I know you’ve told me to do this before and have not…but this time, I must…for Them.
Thank you, ME! ♥