The Process that we began to salvage our Marriage that weekend was truly a Life-Saving Device.
Retrouvaille filled us with Hope. But Hope can only go for so long, it can only carry you so far, it is up to You to work at it.
We did…we were. Then Friday came around again…Oh Blessed Friday.
The night before the Blessed Friday, we talked about a hypothetical situation. I am sure we all at some time or another have done it, “If you could go back, what would you do different? What would you change? How far back would you go?” Or any variation of this.
I, personally, have always said that if I could, I would go back to when I was 13. Of course knowing what I know now, otherwise I’ll just screw-up again 😉 Why 13? Because that is when my sisters and I returned from México to California after having lived there for more than half a year. We returned to Confusion.
My Mom had told me that she and my Dad were divorced.
For most kids this would be devastating. For me, it was a most Joyous Occasion! We were free! We were free from an Abusive Alcoholic. I felt so liberated. I felt that the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer had to protect my Mom or my Sisters. I no longer had to Run Away. I no longer had to live with the Knowledge that Everything was My Fault. I was free…
As we walked out through the sliding glass doors in the airport with the Escort, I saw my Mom, my heart leapt. Then as quickly as it soared like an Eaglet who has spread its wings for the first time, it fell crashing towards the jagged rocks. My Dad stood right beside her.
What was going on?
And there, at that moment I would go back. I would go back and not let it affect me as it did. I would not let all those feelings that welled up inside of me destroy me as they did. I would focus on my studies realizing that THEY were my way out. They School was my ticket to Independence, Freedom and Financial Security…If only we could go back…So many things would be different…
What I would never change, however, is having my Beautiful Children. How that would work, I have NO Idea…
Do you begin to see the FUTILITY of this? The Danger of this, “If I could go back?”
Now imagine when your Husband goes and he chooses to go back, but not far back enough to REALLY make a difference in the root cause of you Marital Discord?
Marital Discord? 🙄 that is SO putting it mildly.
He chooses to go back to a time that demonstrates how Selfish and Self-Centered he still is and how UN-Repentant he is of the damage he has caused.
When I pointed this out to him, he tried to back peddle, but the damage was done. As Emily Dickinson says, “A word said is NEVER Dead.” Well, that is my variation of it. Point being that the hole created with that hammer and nail is there, you can’t undo it. And it definitely didn’t help that he became defensive, angry, then aggressive.
St. Paul tells us that we should “never let the sun set on your anger or else you will give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26-27). Well, the devil has much more than a foothold in our Marriage. I can’t count how many times we have done this and this night was no exception. Then Friday came along…
As I said, Blessed Friday. It got quite ugly again. Once again my Spouse was nothing short of an A**! He played dirty. He pulled out all the stops and to quote Father Mario, “He went Nuclear.”
Yes, Father Mario had to get involved. I needed help. I needed guidance. What I truly wanted though was Father’s “permission” to leave. I was done. My Husband hurt me deeply. As I sit here and write, I still can’t believe what a person is capable of when they are blinded by Anger. It sends a chill down my spine…
Father won’t let me give up. Father won’t let him give up.
We have a Covenant.
Here is a quick blurb from Br. Gabriel Thomas Mosher, OP:
There is a huge difference between a covenant and a contract. Scott Hahn discusses this well in his Doctoral Dissertation and in his book “A Father who keeps his promises”
Dr. Hahn cites that while there are many minor differences substantially there are two differences. In a contract there is a promise and in a covenant there is a solemn oath exchanged between the parties. The important distinction here is that in a promise you use your name to seal the agreement but in an oath you seal the agreement with God’s name. “Covenants forge bonds of freedom in committment on the basis of oath-swearing.” (p. 25)
As far is the second point of importance is concerned it is a matter of what is exchanged. Dr. Hahn states: “A contract is an exchange of property in the form of goods and services (“That is mine and this is yours”); whereas a covenant calls for the exchange of persons (“I am yours and you are mine”), creating a shared bond of interpersonal communion.” (p. 26)
Because of this distinction there is a much larger gravity to the violation of a covenant than to a contract. In our sensibilities as Catholics as it pertains to marriage or any sacrament to that matter there is implicit in the Sacrament the concept of covenant. The word for Sacrament in latin is sacramentum which is roughly translated as ‘oath’ – which can be translated as covenant. Thus each Sacrament is a covenant. In Marriage we find a marriage contract which is not a sacramental marriage and works just like a standard contract but in a marriage covenant we find a Sacramental nature.
We need God. We need His Guidance.
I NEED HIM. I need Him to Heal Me. I need Him to teach me to Forgive. I need to offer up to Him all my Guilt, Pain, and Sufferings…
My Husband and I missed the first Follow-Up session with Retrouvaille. But this Saturday, we will be attending a Follow-Up Session and I sincerely hope we will continue to attend them all.
We can all use support, help, understanding and strength to live our Marriage Vocation. We just have to not be Ashamed, Embarrassed, Prideful or Frightened to ask for it.
I tell you all of this because…
If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain.
~ Emily Dickinson