My Marriage Decision Part II

The Process that we began to salvage our Marriage that weekend was truly a Life-Saving Device. 

Retrouvaille filled us with Hope.  But Hope can only go for so long, it can only carry you so far, it is up to You to work at it. 

We did…we were.  Then Friday came around again…Oh Blessed Friday. 

The night before the Blessed Friday, we talked about a hypothetical situation.  I am sure we all at some time or another have done it, “If you could go back, what would you do different?  What would you change?  How far back would you go?”  Or any variation of this.

Time Machine

I, personally, have always said that if I could, I would go back to when I was 13.  Of course knowing what I know now, otherwise I’ll just screw-up again 😉   Why 13?  Because that is when my sisters and I returned from México to California after having lived there for more than half a year.  We returned to Confusion. 

My Mom had told me that she and my Dad were divorced. 

For most kids this would be devastating.  For me, it was a most Joyous Occasion!  We were free!  We were free from an Abusive Alcoholic.  I felt so liberated.  I felt that the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.  I no longer had to protect my Mom or my Sisters.  I no longer had to Run Away.  I no longer had to live with the Knowledge that Everything was My Fault.  I was free…

As we walked out through the sliding glass doors in the airport with the Escort, I saw my Mom, my heart leapt.  Then as quickly as it soared like an Eaglet who has spread its wings for the first time, it fell crashing towards the jagged rocks.  My Dad stood right beside her.

What was going on? 

And there, at that moment I would go back.  I would go back and not let it affect me as it did.  I would not let all those feelings that welled up inside of me destroy me as they did.  I would focus on my studies realizing that THEY were my way out.  They School was my ticket to Independence, Freedom and Financial Security…If only we could go back…So many things would be different…

What I would never change, however, is having my Beautiful Children.  How that would work, I have NO Idea…

Do you begin to see the FUTILITY of this?  The Danger of this, “If I could go back?”

Now imagine when your Husband goes and he chooses to go back, but not far back enough to REALLY make a difference in the root cause of you Marital Discord? 

Marital Discord?  🙄  that is SO putting it mildly. 

He chooses to go back to a time that demonstrates how Selfish and Self-Centered he  still is and how UN-Repentant he is of the damage he has caused. 

When I pointed this out to him, he tried to back peddle, but the damage was done.  As Emily Dickinson says, “A word said is NEVER Dead.”  Well, that is my variation of it.  Point being that the hole created with that hammer and nail is there, you can’t undo it.  And it definitely didn’t help that he became defensive, angry, then aggressive. 

St. Paul tells us that we should “never let the sun set on your anger or else you will give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26-27).  Well, the devil has much more than a foothold in our Marriage.  I can’t count how many times we have done this and this night was no exception.  Then Friday came along…

As I said, Blessed Friday.  It got quite ugly again. Once again my Spouse was nothing short of an A**!  He played dirty.  He pulled out all the stops and to quote Father Mario, “He went Nuclear.” 

Yes, Father Mario had to get involved.  I needed help.  I needed guidance.  What I truly wanted though was Father’s “permission” to leave.  I was done.  My Husband hurt me deeply.  As I sit here and write, I still can’t believe what a person is capable of when they are blinded by Anger.  It sends a chill down my spine…

 Father won’t let me give up.  Father won’t let him give up. 

We have a Covenant. 

Here is a quick blurb from Br. Gabriel Thomas Mosher, OP:

There is a huge difference between a covenant and a contract. Scott Hahn discusses this well in his Doctoral Dissertation and in his book “A Father who keeps his promises”

Dr. Hahn cites that while there are many minor differences substantially there are two differences. In a contract there is a promise and in a covenant there is a solemn oath exchanged between the parties. The important distinction here is that in a promise you use your name to seal the agreement but in an oath you seal the agreement with God’s name. “Covenants forge bonds of freedom in committment on the basis of oath-swearing.” (p. 25)

As far is the second point of importance is concerned it is a matter of what is exchanged. Dr. Hahn states: “A contract is an exchange of property in the form of goods and services (“That is mine and this is yours”); whereas a covenant calls for the exchange of persons (“I am yours and you are mine”), creating a shared bond of interpersonal communion.” (p. 26)

Because of this distinction there is a much larger gravity to the violation of a covenant than to a contract. In our sensibilities as Catholics as it pertains to marriage or any sacrament to that matter there is implicit in the Sacrament the concept of covenant. The word for Sacrament in latin is sacramentum which is roughly translated as ‘oath’ – which can be translated as covenant. Thus each Sacrament is a covenant. In Marriage we find a marriage contract which is not a sacramental marriage and works just like a standard contract but in a marriage covenant we find a Sacramental nature.

We need God.  We need His Guidance. 

I NEED HIM.  I need Him to Heal Me.  I need Him to teach me to Forgive.  I need to offer up to Him all my Guilt, Pain, and Sufferings…

My Husband and I missed the first Follow-Up session with Retrouvaille.  But this Saturday, we will be attending a Follow-Up Session and I sincerely hope we will continue to attend them all. 

We can all use support, help, understanding and strength to live our Marriage Vocation.  We just have to not be Ashamed, Embarrassed, Prideful or Frightened to ask for it. 

Ask!

I tell you all of this because…

If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain. 

~ Emily Dickinson

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13 thoughts on “My Marriage Decision Part II

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  1. This is such a sad post, but there is hope too that with the aid of Father Mario things can be opened wide and healed from the inside, so to speak.

    It reminds me so much of the disintegration of my marriage, which was very different in that my husband could never admit that he could be anything other than right. He was not willing to go for counselling except for the very first time when he acted as if butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth, only to shout and rant and rave the minute we were alone.

    But, like you, my children are everything to me. They are grown, married, with children of their own and seem to be living their lives far more happily than their parents ever did. So, perhaps, some good came out of my marriage after all.

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    1. It makes me so Happy to read that your Kids turned out A-OK! 😀 In the end, as a Parent, that’s what you want.

      I can really and truly empathize with the Hubby’s Behaviour in front of the Therapist…Mine did it so many times! We’ve gone to quite a few of them, which in reality is Useless unless he’s open and honest 😦
      He is now attending Individual Counseling, I Pray that he is allowing it to help.

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  2. I continue to pray for you both. It sounds trite, but hang in there. Marriage is a work of grace. I am not enamored with Hahn’s sacramental theology because it strikes me as having Pelagian tendencies, the whole “oath” aspect. Of course, in marriage we make promises, enter into a covenant of sorts. Sacraments are always first and foremost about what God is does. In short, just like Israel, we are unreliable covenant partners.

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    1. LOL!! AND HOW!!

      Unreliable, Unworthy, Undeserving, Untrustworthy, Undependable…etc, etc 😉

      I used Hahn’s because it was the First Quote I could find…sadly, my own take, or my own explication was not very coherent at 2 in the morning 😕
      Thank you for your prayers, we Truly need them…It’s not getting any easier…But we are “Sort of” trying…
      Pride, you know…very hard to work with.

      Thank You though for reading and Commenting, it is truly Validating…

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    1. I think you are right and I did try to do that, but I think he came to despise me, thinking I was weak and he very superior. Anway we did divorce (I am not a Roman Catholic). He remarried after some years, but the marriage only lasted 5 or 6 months, when his new wife divorced him and he died shortly afterwards.

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      1. I heard today that we can leave our Spouses and start anew, but that the Problem is, that WE are still the same, same issues, same problems, and more Baggage…

        For a while we’ll be fine, caught up in the “Euphoria of being with someone new” to quote my Husband (this is what he told his Ex-GF when trying to explain why their relationship moved so quickly, all while he was Engaged to me)…But then, as time passes, that Euphoria will be gone and we’ll be left with just US…Flaws and all and then the problems will arise…

        That was the persuasive reason to stay Married…that and many more of course, but that one stood out

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    2. *SIGH*

      See, here’s the thing…when unworthiness is the Flavor of the day…THAT may not be the best way to go…
      A Dear Friend already told me that I need to Confess that I am guilty of Scruples…and she’s right on…

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  3. I am not talking about outcomes. There is no guarantee that even when I succeed to looking at another the way Christ looks at me I will get the outcome I want, or even the one I perceive as ideal. What I receive is the peace that surpasses all understanding

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    1. This all goes back to the Tapestry, que no?

      We see but the strings, we do not see the entire Tapestry as God does…

      If I could, if WE could achieve seeing our Brothers and Sisters in Christ the way that He sees us, well, the world would DEFINITELY be a different, a BETTER Place…

      It is much simpler with those that love us, treat us well, it is a Challenge when we do this or Try to do this with those that scoff at us, abuse us, disrespect us, etc…
      But I know that it is There that the Reward and the Peace as you say, lies…

      I have to keep trying. It is much easier with Strangers, Dcn. Dodger, MUCH!

      With those we love, we Expect them to be a certain way…

      Thank you again…

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  4. . . . songs of Hope, songs of Love, and songs of Healing.

    On Marriage
    To those who make this choice to Love, to Commit, to Suffer, and to Endure. You will receive Graces, sacramental or not. Take each of these into yourself, and begin to heal.

    About your husband. You chose him, yes? What does that say about you? Love yourself, heal yourself, and watch your marriage grow.

    Popular opinion says that a good marriage takes two. . . sometimes it only takes One.

    From the book “The 7 Love Agreements” by Douglas Weiss, PHD (Decisions you can make on your own to strengthen your marriage). “The 7 Love Agreements helps develop faithfulness, patience, forgiveness, service, respect, kindness, and celebration, all of which contribute to an exciting, loving, and wonderful relationship. Individually or as a couple, you can make choices that will foster your love for God and for your spouse. God made you with a big heart that is capable of incredible constructive achievements. Let your marriage be one of them!”

    Another good book, “Sex, Men and God” by Douglas Weiss, PHD.

    And for you, read Christian Northrup, MD’s book “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom” (Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing). You’ve already read it? Read it again, this time the newly revised and updated 2010 edition. At 791 pages this should keep you focused on you (and your children) until your husband starts to notice that you are no longer completely absorbed with his emotional issues, and he might get interested in yours.

    He probably needs to grow up. That is the cause of most (Marriage) problems. Treat him like a child. No joke, it works. Did I mention that he probably needs to grow up.

    And if any and all of that doesn’t work, then just throw up your hands and give it UP to the Lord.

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    1. LOL!!!!

      Don’t ALL men need to grow up?? Okay not all…MOST…

      Treat him like a child…hmmm….see I’ve done that and many times he is even MORE immature after 😕

      I guess I’ll have to do the last bit….give it up to the LORD…

      OH!!!!!!!!

      And before I forget to mention this….

      The books you have recommended, they were Generously given to us ANONYMOUSLY at our Parish?!?!?!?!
      Coincidence????????

      From YOU Anonymous????

      Either way….Thank YOU and thank you, Anonymous Gift-Giver.. 😀

      Like

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