An Update on One of the MANY Items I have Promised

Yesterday I wrote nothing about My Babies.

Perhaps some of you wanted to know what transpired after my phone call to their Dad.

Nothing.

Absolutely Nothing.

I had to call him a couple of times, as he did not pick up.  I left him messages to please call me back. He did.

The entire conversation, if you can call it that, lasted for 34 seconds.  Literally!  How do I know. My cell.

I greeted him. Wished him a Happy New Year.  He just grunted and asked what I wanted.

I told him exactly what I promised my Little Angel I would.

I told him that this past Summer, AGAIN…he wanted to stay with me.  He wanted to LIVE with me.  AGAIN!  This happens almost every single time they come visit me.

And again, there was a “reason” for him not to do so.

Usually, in the past, I call their Dad and say, Child 2 and Child 3 want to stay.

His response: NO.

But why?  I ask.

Because I said so.

Then I tell him, well I need a legitimate reason.  To which he scoffs. And I tell him, well then, you’re going to have to tell them yourself that because YOU don’t want them to live with me, they can’t.

Again, he scoffs. We wind up getting into some argument, and as usual, I cry, defeated.

I have asked myself why I don’t just Keep Them.  Don’t send them back. And my response is always, I don’t want to do things the wrong way.

Stupid, huh?

I then have to face my Babies and tell them that their Dad feels that it is not a good idea at the time.  That if they really want to stay with me, then they must tell him so.

They don’t.

Not true.  They have.  Over the phone, when they’re with me.  When they finish.  They are quite upset, crying (the little one) and they tell me, “Next time.”

I then proceed to call their Dad again and again, we go at it.

Why?

Because I said so.

Why?

Because I don’t want them to.

Why?

Because they have to stay together.

Then leave them all here with me. Right…my Eldest would rather pass a kidney stone than stay with me. She is filled with Anger, Hurt, Resentment and I am at the receiving end of it.

He will have already spoken with her and she will threaten or be very aggressive rather, with her Brothers and they will then turn to me and say that they would rather leave.

I’m a coward.

I’m useless.

I have not fought!

Why?

Because all this time I have felt I deserve this.  I deserve to be punished.  How Pathetic am I??

All these years, every single time I’m berated, degraded, verbally abused, physically intimidated and even physically hit, I have taken it.

Why?

I deserved it.

At least that’s what I have told myself all these years…

I deserved everything bad that happened to me because I hurt their Dad.

And because I hurt him, then me fighting for the Kids would hurt him more and I didn’t want to hurt him further, because, Haven’t I done enough damage??

I repeat, Pathetic.

Even when I have suffered at the mercy of my now husband, I have taken it.

Why?

I deserved it for what I had done to the Kids’ Dad.

How sorry and Pathetic is that??

These past few days, Friends and Family have tried to help me see that this is not the case.

That in Punishing Myself, I have Punished My Babies!

I had never seen that!

I had seen the way their Dad Emotionally Blackmailed them.

Last year I tried defending my Middle Son.  While I stood there pointing out all the harm, the blackmail, the neglect, even the PINCHES that their Dad’s girlfriend gave my Son…My son stood there.  Quiet.  Head Down.

Their Dad, arms crossed, Mocking Me.  Laughing.  Denying it all.

I would ask him how he could let this happen to Our Children.  To HIS Children that he supposedly Loved?

His response…

How could YOU have done what you did to them?

Dagger.  Low Blow. Wind knocked out of me.

For one moment, for one instant in time, I spoke out…I did to YOU not them.  Why can’t you leave US out of this.  It has 9 years now!  There is no US.  You live with someone now.  Move on!

His response…Like you moved on so easily all the way to Canada, abandoning the kids?

Pain!  Remorse!  Regret! Guilt!

I did NOT abandon them!  The deal was that once I was established, in about a year, they’d move out with me.  YOU Have not let them!

A quick glance from My Middle Son.

Their Dad…For what?  So you can contaminate them? Lie to them? Hurt them?

I was so proud of myself up to this point…

The door opens and my Eldest walks out.  A Lioness…

The yelling starts.  The verbal abuse.  The berating…I am defeated…

I ask him, Is this how you were raised?  You Mom taught you better than this!  She would be shocked and ashamed!

His response…She is the one who told me that as long as they respect me, the rest is not my problem.  He says this in front of both of the kids…

He has just lifted my Daughter’s wings higher than ever….

She Pounces!

I point out to her that she is Breaking the 4th.

She scoffs and says that I have never been her Mother…

That was it.   I was done…

Nothing left in me…

But now…Now I need to Stand Up!  I need to Fight!

My Little Angel wants to be with me and I am not going to Lose Him too!

I am starting to realize that I do not Deserve to be Treated this way!

Not by their Dad.

Not by my Husband.

Not by my Children.

Not by anyone.

I have paid my dues!  I have suffered!  How I have suffered….much to the disbelief of My Beautiful Daughter…I have….

A Friend pointed out that all this time no one has suffered MORE than my Kids!!  No One! Not even me…

Hearing that devastated me…

How Blind I have been!

So now…I will fight!  My first battle is him.  I called him again today.  I told him that I would be flying out to pick up my Little Angel.  He said No.

Why?

Because I said No!

Well, what about what the Little Angel wants?  I was so calm , cool and collected…

His response, I’m busy working.  And he hung up.

So…Family Law…Here I come!!!