Mi Niño…Mi Angelito…
I am not sure what is going on…
I have this feeling that you will not be coming to live with me.
I mean, you don’t even seem to want to talk to me! I don’t know what has happened. I don’t know what you’ve been told…
The bottom line is…there is NOTHING I can do about it.
Normally, I would be drenched by a flood of salty tears. Not today.
You see, last night, as I looked up at Our Lord, as we praised Him. As I worked on surrendering it all to Him…I had a Huge Epiphany!
All that Pain that I feel. All that Hurt that I have in my Heart each time You and your Brother and Sister do not call. Each time that I am rejected by you, by My Pumpkin, by Ticki. Each time that Pumpkin has yelled at me, disrespected me, hung up on me, pushed me away. Each time that you, My Angelito, has not paid attention to me because you’re watching TV, playing a game, or someone else is taking your attention away from me when I am on the phone with you. Each time that Ticki has been too busy to talk. Each time that I have been Shoved Away.
All of that sense of Helplessness. All of the Impotence. All of that Love that I try to Pour out to all of you that gets thrown aside as if it were the most vile of creations. All of those Loving Words that I Provide to Protect and Guide You scoffed at. That desire that fills me to Hold You, to Love You…Spat at! All of that…and so much more is what Our Father feels every minute of every day!
I realized last night that what I feel is what He goes through without a second’s rest.
I felt such Shame. I realized my Selfishness.
I knelt there, before Him asking Him to help me with my Pain all the while not acknowledging how much I have Hurt Him!
I stopped. I froze. And I remembered what My Mamá Lola said…
No se es Hijo, hasta que no se es Padre.
You are not a Son/Daughter until you are a Parent.
I thought I knew what that meant when I did become a Mom.
All the worrying about My Babies. Were they warm enough? Were they hungry? Were they tired? Would they be okay? Were they safe? Was I doing the best that I could?
That’s not what she meant!
I am becoming a Daughter now. I am becoming a Child of God as I acknowledge what I have caused Him. As I acknowledge and realize how much pain and suffering I put Him through Every Day with my Selfishness. With my Deprecation. With my Disdain. With my Apathy. With my Pride. With my Unforgiveness.
Lord, Forgive Me!
How hypocritical! I know! But I now am truly beginning to know. And because of this, Angelito, I am not a Magdalena…
I, just as you, have my Father in Heaven that knows what is Best for Me.
I must learn to Surrender it all to Him and learn to Trust Him.
If only I had the Faith the size of a Mustard Seed.
That, Angelito, is what I prayed for ayer. Not for you to come back with me, as I have been. Not that your Dad’s heart be softened and opened. Not that Ticki and Pumpkin want to be with me too. No.
I realized that all of that was pure Selfishness! Do I want that? OF COURSE! But in God’s time. If it is even His Will.
What I asked for was Faith and Trust. I asked Him to please take out everything in me that I do not need, and that’s a lot! And I asked Him to replace it with Faith and Trust.
If I can do that. If He can do that. Then I need not fear nor worry…
“Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” ~Matthew 6:34
I Love You.
I Always Will.
I will be waiting…
Your Mommy ♥