If there are any Terms in my life I seem to have “issues” with, it is these.
Today is My Angelito’s 11th Birthday! He seems to have grown-up overnight! I am quite certain that many parents can relate.
But unlike some Blessed Children in the world, My Angelito has not grown in a “stable, loving environment.”
I have shared this before.
In fact, a friend has, er, is assisting me in trying to see the tendency that I have towards being over Scrupulous.
And I will acknowledge that! Perhaps it has become such a habit for me, such a part of my life, that I have not continued my Journey down that Path. The Path to learning about Scruples. Understanding the tendency, and how to overcome it.
But you see, it is days such as today where I am overwhelmed with negative emotions.
I am drowning in a sea of guilt. Waves of uselessness and regret rise and crash over me shoving me into the depths of dark, black sea of guilt and shame. Anger at myself pulls at me from below. There seems to be no way of surviving. I can’t fight it. Fighting only eases the bitter saltiness into my being. If I surrender…Surrendering seems to be my best option. Perhaps by not fighting the crashing waves and the pull from below I can ease the blows and float to the surface…Be washed ashore to the soft warm sandy beach of Redemption?
All I know is I have failed!
I am not the most organized individual on the planet. Far from it!
I am quite forgetful and have been known to lose purses, wallets, bags, and almost leaving behind one of my Babies in the car seat next to the car!
Okay, so I didn’t leave Ticki! Or was it My Angelito? See, I can’t even recall that!! Point is that I was carrying a bunch of bags and put the baby on the floor, next to the car while I opened the door and tossed the bags in. Note, this is before Keyless Entry.
There I am, tossing the bags in the back and since they didn’t all fit, I had to go to the trunk and place more bags there. I then worked my way to the driver’s side and opened that door and sat down.
As I sat there, I had this horrible gnawing feeling. I looked into the rearview mirror. Nothing.
I turned around and looked at the bags. Nothing.
I then thought that maybe I hadn’t closed the trunk. But I was quite certain I had.
As I put the key in the ignition…I Remembered!!
The baby was content, just sitting in the car seat.
It WAS Ticki! I remember now!
I took Ticki out of the confines of the Protective, Unforgetful Arms of the car seat.
I cried as I held him tightly.
Was that the last time I lost Ticki? Oh No!
You see, Ticki inherited one of my worst traits…Forgetfulness.
Not only is he forgetful, but he is also easily distracted and bores quite quickly. You see, Ticki is very Intelligent, and because of this, he can figure things out quickly and just as quickly tire and bore of them. School is a challenge, to say the least.
Wow, have I ever digressed!
Today is My Angelito’s Birthday and I did not send him his Birthday Card on time!
I had a reminder 2 weeks ago!
Every day I would tell myself, I’m going to mail it today. Okay, tomorrow, I still have time.
Then, we got busy last week starting on Wednesday. Meetings, a Retreat, More meetings.
All excuses, I know! None of that changes the fact that I Did NOT Send My Angelito his Card…
You would think that the mere fact that I am dying to have My Babies come and be with me would be enough motivation for me to Not forget these Opportunities to SHOW Them how much I Love them! How Much I NEED Them! How Much they Matter to me!
I read about Mom’s that have sacrificed it all for their kids. Everything, to provide them with the best possible life they could.
I read about Mom’s that risk their lives to get their Babies back.
Then I am immersed in the knowledge of Our Mother who never left Her Son’s side….
I cannot compete.
Not that it is a competition. What I am saying is that I cannot compare to any of these women!
Yeah, that’s all I need, another Mom that is Amazingly Wonderful! So much so that she has taken on the role of School Teacher, Principal, Monitor, Tutor, Mentor, Counsellor…not that Mom’s aren’t that already, but that’s my point precisely! Mom’s are already all that and Much, MUCH More…but Mrs. Edmisten is now her Children’s Teacher as well.
I understand, respect and admire her decision! I would do the same! If I could. If I had that level of Commitment. That level of Patience. That level of self-sacrifice. That level of Love…
I lack all of those qualities that Mrs. Edmisten possesses. That Allison at Totus Tuus Family & Catholic Homeschool possesses. That The Mom at Shoved to Them possesses. That Kat at The Crescat possesses. That Susan at The Ironic Catholic possesses. And Dear Lord, so, so, SO MANY OTHERS!
Not only are they Sacrificial Moms, not only did most of them take on the role of a School, or work at one…not only do they live their lives on Our Blessed Mother’s example, but they BLOG TOO!!
How do they do it??
Oh, and from what I read, they have a very well established, living Prayer Life!
My nostrils are filled with the wafting stench of failure…
But I do Love My Babies! I DO!
I just do not know how to be a Mom. Not even a Mediocre Mom. Much less a Good Mom.
And you know what reinforced this?
The article by Karen Edmisten that I mentioned above. It is titled “Memo From God.”
She tells us how through Prayer, Listening to God all of which is Discernment, she makes important decisions that affect her family.
She listens to these “Memos” from God and changes how she Serves based on them. They come to her via feeling, her children and situations.
I have much to learn.
I have much to do.
I have many Reparations to contend with….If anything at all can even be Repaired…
A friend said to me that God has also loaned me my two little Brats as another opportunity. A Second Chance.
Well, surprise, surprise, I am failing there too!
I am so caught up in helping others at times, that I forget and set aside those others that are My Vocation.
I must really put into practice the line that Camille shared with me:
I would Love to help, but it conflicts with my Primary Vocation.
The difficulty in the application lies in my need to overcompensate for my failures with My Own Babies. In my twisted and demented mind, by working with, helping and spending time with Youth, I am “fixing” or helping to fix the damage I have done to My Babies.
I love vicariously through the kids…I know I do. I have, even with the kids I worked with at the Center.
I need to be open, vulnerable, committed and discerning…
I need a Living Prayer Life, I need God to help me, to empty my Heart, my Life of all that inhibits His being at the Center of it. Once I let Him lead and guide, I know I will have learned to Sacrifice and Love as He and His Mother, Our Beloved Mother do…
Happy Birthday, Mi Angelito ♥
May Our Lord Guide your Every Step Always.
And My you Always Remember that you Have the Greatest Mother, Our Blessed Mother…and the Greatest, Most Perfect Father…Our Father!
This will always help to compensate for where we, you Dad and I Fail. May you Never look to Us as Role Models but only to Them! Only to Our Lord and Our Blessed Mother.
Que Dios te Bendiga Mi Bebe Hermoso…
Y aunque imperfecta, aunque limitada…Tu Mami en la Tierra Te ADORA! Y Siempre Te Amará!!!
My Birthday Wish for You…that You come Be with Me this March…
Selfish, I know…
Even now, that I am Telling You that I Love You, I think of Me…
Forgive Me, I have failed yet again…But I do.. I Love You and Miss You!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEBE!!!
My Angel Baby…