Just A Thought

I wonder HOW on earth I did it before?!

How did I find the time to blog when #5 was little?

You know, my only defense is that I blame age. Yup! That’s it. I was younger, more vitality, could stay up later, could run on a few hours of sleep, and yada yada.

I have had so many thoughts of great posts…

All fizzled before me as I look upon my Precious Baby Boy. He is one HIGH MAINTENANCE Child! No Lie!

What my Baby Sis keeps telling me, and I agree, is that since he’s the last one (that’s what I thought about #5, but God had different plans for us) that I should just roll with it and enjoy him.

He is growing way too fast…He has changed quite a bit since birth. You know, I’m not even going to pretend and be strong, it kills me to see him growing so quickly!

What my Baby Sis is missing in her loving words, the motivation, not the only one but a very powerful one, is guilt. Guilt and Hope of Reparation.

I have failed My Babies. Devastatingly so. Especially my Precious Angel Baby. If any of my children have a right to be angry and hate me, it is he. He was about #6’s age when his Dad and I separated. He was 3 when we finally divorced. No child deserves that.

I see so much of him in the baby, and when I do, I hold him tighter and yes, many times I cry. How could I have hurt my Precious Children so?

It is like I was a different person then. Or so I tell myself. I wish it to be so. I cannot and do not want to believe that I could be capable of inflicting so much pain. I was young, stupid, and quite selfish. I felt entitled to be happy since I never had been.

Entitlement…what an illness! And how it is plaguing us! I see it everywhere. It is frightening. If only I could be a cautionary tale…

People I Love very dearly say that I have changed. That I am not who or how I used to be…they may say that with longing, with a sense of loss, but I tell you this, that knowing that people feel I am different, well, that Overjoys me!!! I never want to be that person again.

The stupid things I did. The lack of direction I provided. How I led many who looked up to me astray.

That expression, “The blind leading the blind,” that was me. God forgive me…