As I sit in the Pews…I am far from perfect.
As I sit in the Pews…I am aware, I know that I sit in the Hospital for Sinners.
As I write from the Pews…I try to be a Devout, Practicing, Christ-like Witness.
The more I write from the Pews…The more difficult it is to maintain that persona.
I originally intended to write what I heard From the Pews.
I originally intended to share what I Interpreted during Fr. Mario’s Wonderful Thought-Provoking Homilies.
I originally intended to make this entirely a positive, Christ-searching, Christ-finding, Journey.
The intent was there…
On more than one occasion I have deviated.
On more than one occasion I have indulged my own self-centered, narcissistic, autocratic desires.
On more than one occasion I have not just deviated, strayed, but headed full-force in the opposite direction of the straight and narrow.
The same is happening now…
Is there not some worth in honesty?
Is there not some value in learning from another’s struggles, failures, falls, sins?
Is there not a possibility that this is where I am being led?
An individual whom I have quickly grown to admire and respect said this:
As I wrote, I […didn’t] want to become a hack. I want[ed] to write original things in an insightful way. […] Anyone who wants to read what I wrote is free to do so, or not to do so. I am beholden to no one. […] Initially I would very discouraged, but I realized that if I couldn’t just write and throw it out there, not really caring what happened, then it would be best not to […write].
His words have inspired me. They have provided me with a certain licence.
And yet I fear the golem.
Once created and set free, what havoc will it wreak?
I care not how I am viewed and judged. As I posted before…”Only God Can Judge Me.”
Besides, it is all true. And those that know me, know. And those that don’t know me, well, they simply don’t know me.
What of the Innocent? What of my Children?
THIS is my fear. Will they be stigmatized? Will they be told?
I suppose they will find out.
All that we do comes to light. ALL…Sooner or Later, ALL of it comes to light.
It is liberating when it does.
It is painful when it does.
It is necessary that it does.
When ALL is exposed, we are forced to be humble and humility is a much needed virtue…
As I typed that last line, I remembered that I received a Huge Virtual Smack in the Head!
How vain am I that I think it is just I who has these struggles?
How vain am I that I think God cannot forgive me my sins?
The grace we receive in this sacrament is something too many of us are willing to live without. There are two reasons for this, as far as I can tell. First, you are too proud either to see that you are a sinner in need of forgiveness, or because you see yourself as able to obtain this grace on your own without the benefit of the sacrament, effectively saying you don’t need the church. I remind you that even in the prayer of absolution, Christ gives you pardon and peace and absolves you of your sins only through the ministry of the church, thus reconciling you to God and to your sisters and brothers, with whom you gather around the table of the Eucharist. Besides, I am hard-pressed to think of a better way of practicing humility than by going to confession on a regular basis. The second reason many do not drink from this fountain of grace is that, in a bizarre instance of pride that wears the mask of humility, some think their sins bigger, wider, or deeper than God’s mercy given us in Christ Jesus; or, foolishly worry whether or not God will forgive them. My friends, you do not go to confession in order see whether or not God will forgive you; because of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ you are always already forgiven, you to go to confession in order to realize this fact and to see firsthand why it matters to you (Deacon Dodger).
God’s Grace is mine. It is ours. He forgives. He loves. He paid the ultimate Ransom for us.
May God bless you in your struggle. I have struggled for years and have thought that my faith is not enough because I cannot live up to what I would be and what I would do. I have prayed for stronger faith that I may find peace with myself and there are indeed times that I think I have found it. Until the doubt returns again.
IF only we had the Faith of a Mustard Seed…
It is quite difficult to even reach that straight and narrow…practically impossible to walk on it! For Me, I mean. But as long as I don’t give up…Perseverance is the key and knowing with all my heart and all my soul that God Does Love Us, in spite of Us…
Thank YOU, especially for that last sentence which I also believe completely. If there is one thing that I will always believe, no matter what the struggle, it is that He Loves Us!