For My Babies…
At times it can be the most rewarding Job ever created. When your Baby looks up at you with so much Trust, so much Love and Smiles. Nothing in this entire World can Weaken your Heart, Bring you to your Knees, all while Making you So Proud and Filling you with so much Fear all at once! There is nothing, not a thing you wouldn’t do for that Child.
And then there’s those other times. Those times when the Baby just won’t stop crying. You changed the Diaper, tried feeding, rocking, singing, undressing the Baby to make sure there was nothing pinching, squeezing, or hurting the Baby. You’ve tried it ALL and the Baby Just Won’t STOP! You just want to run. Scream. Cry along side that Child. You feel so Helpless, so Useless, so Frustrated. You just want the Baby to stop.
It’s funny how in a Blink of an eye one can go from one emotion to the next.
But it doesn’t end there. Oh, no. Your Baby starts growing into a Toddler. The Terrible 2’s. Then into a Pre-K. Then a real Kid. Then a Tween. A Teen. A Young Lady/Man. An Adult. No matter what the phase, the age, the ability to go from One extreme on the Emotional Bar to the Other is always there.
The worst thing for me. The worst thing about Being a Parent is Failing. It is Knowing that you have failed and there is nothing you can do to fix where you messed up.
Sure you always hear that “It’s Never Too Late.” It may not be too late to Start a Different Relationship with your Child. But when you have Failed them. When you have Ruined their Childhood. You can’t get that Back!
You can try picking up at the New Phase and Trying to Build and Create…But that which you Missed out on, that which you ruined…Gone.
I Pray that My Children can Forgive Me One Day.
I Hope that they can Forgive my Selfishness. My Lack of Sacrifice. My Lack of Being a True Parent. Of Putting them Before my Selfishness.
Over the years, I and others, have tried to help me “Justify” my decisions. My Mistakes. If you look hard enough…No…That’s the thing, you don’t even have to look. Justifying Wrong is EASY. Society helps us with that in a Heartbeat. Situational Ethics, anyone?
The World will always tell us that it’s okay for us to put “#1” First. You have to take care of yourself before you take care of others.
That’s not what Jesus did. That’s not what we are called to do.
He Served. We are Called to Serve.
He Sacrificed. We are Called to Sacrifice.
He Died for Us. He Gave All for Us. For our Shortcomings, for our Selfishness, for our Depravity, for our Apathy, for our Greed, for our Irresponsibility. He Died for Us. He Died for YOU and for ME.
And I couldn’t give just a little. I couldn’t Sacrifice just a Little. I couldn’t put Them before Myself.
I am So Sorry, Pumpkin. I am So Terribly Sorry, Papa Bear. I am SO, SO Sorry My Little Angel, My Handsome Baby Boy.
I Failed You. I can’t Fix It. I don’t know how.
But DO KNOW that I Love You. You may not believe it. You may not know it. But I DO! As Hollow as it sounds, as Empty and Pathetic as it sounds, I Love You. I Always Have. I Always Will.
If you give me an Opportunity, which I don’t deserve, I will try. Just be Patient with a Flawed, Sinful, Fallen Creature that I Trying to be Better.
You May have to TELL ME what you Need. Point Blank. Tell Me. If you don’t ask, I may think I’m giving you what you want, but I may not be giving you what you Need. Please Tell Me What you NEED.
I know that First and Foremost it’s ME. And I’m Here.